Random crap of the first order

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Phir Mile Sur - What could have been.....

The new phir mile sur video has received a lot of flak. And rightly so. It’s so long and is almost a showcase of bollywood. The selection of the people in the video has come in for lots of criticism.

Hence, me, ravikant kisana (Bengali) and dinesh pitre (marathi) have com up with our own list of the people who actually deserved to be in the video. The following are the people who truly deserved it. The list is in no particular order of my preference.

Tussiar Kapoor

cmon, lets give him some credit. the guy gives new meaning to the phrase 'try and try till u succeed'. a delightful representative of the age old indian quality of perseverance. Just put the fake moustache on him and Tusshki is good to open the act in the video.

Uday Chopra

he has been relaunched 5 times in bollywood now, but with little success. we say he deserves a 6th relaunch in the phir mile sur video. Put him alongside our famous red ass monkeys and he will blend in just fine.

Altaf Raja

“tum toh thehre pardesi, saath kya nibhaoge”. The pardesis might not support him, but swadesis certainly will. This lady killer deserves a meaty presence, with a dance step or two as an added bonus.

Rahul Mahajan

for reuniting the nation in a bid to help him in his swayamvar….sorry, swayamvar nahi, shaadi….rahul mahajan, the nation salutes u! just give him a 4 second presence in his bridegroom attire. Nothing more, nothing less.


for learning Marathi while In jail and giving statements in Marathi in the court, he wonderfully illustrates ‘sur milana’. As a friend of mine said, he is now half qualified to drive a taxi in mumbai.


one word: Deshdrohi. Supply him with his 6 inches tall heeled shoes and he can come alongside Tussiar in the opening act. Not to forget the Good Boy jacket as in the pic.

Viveik Oberoi

mission Istanbul was a turning point in his career. the smirky expression of viveik stands for unlimited courage and resilience. Lets give him a good wig and I bet he can steal the show in the video.

Jimmy Mistry

He singlehandedly made 2012 the biggest Hollywood hit in India with his inspired hindi accent “hume humara samaan pack karne hai”. This guys just awesome.

Matthew hayden

We decided to overlook the fact that he called India's second most loved sardar ji after Simpoo Singh,

an 'obnoxious weed' for pointing out the anthropological roots of one Mr Symonds.
In the wake of racist attacks on Indians in australia, he removed all doubts about his participation in the
IPL by declaring 'Indians have accepted me as a brother' while happily stuffing the fat
paycheck in his pocket.

Jermaine Jackson

whos the bigger celebrity in india now? Michael Jackson or Jermaine Jackson? He had all the bollywood stars queing up to him like whores. Hats off. Lets not ask him to sing though.

Annu Malliek

yaha ka aata wah wah, jooto mein bata wah wah :) patriotism has never been this awesome. His presence only on one condition, he sings his own part.

Raj Thackrey

lets give him the Marathi part in the video. It will ensure that the video is released without riots. Since hes always in white kurta pyjama, his costume costs are zero.

Smriti irani

If you thought the six words why she is here are - 'Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi', then you are wrong. The correct answer is - "The most shapeless fat body ever"

Sunny Deol

Arguably this man has done more for the country than anybody else in this video. He single-handedly saved Rajasthan from a Paki tank batallion with only Akshaye Khanna & Sunil Shetty for back-up (and we all know Akshaye Khanna is yellow). He was also the hero in the love story of a spy in 'Hero- love story of a spy' and then when they made a movie with young upstarts about 'Heroes' of the country... he kicked ass of non-patriotic scum without his 'legs'.

And of course... he pulled out a water-pump. Enough said.

Ramalinga Raju

he might be in jail now, but the guys got to be a freakin genius to do what he did and get away with it for so many years! Gulti as charged.

Shekhar suman, adhyayan, kangna ranaut

amitabh, abhishek and aishwarya is just too clichéd and boring. Things can be made much more exciting by replacing them with shekhar suman, adhyayan suman and his girlfriend kangna ‘you basterd’ ranaut. an additional free botox shot to shekhar suman before shooting.

Kids from slumdog

the kids who are always in the news, whether its their slum roof collapsing, or their teacher complaining that they don’t attend school or their father lying drunk in some gutter, the kids deserve a role in the video. Afterall, bhooka nanga india – the stereotype is now officially famous. Yes, we should pay them for the appearance.

Chetan Bhagat

When critics slammed his books, he claimed didn't understand literature. When 'Hello' flopped, he claimed Bollywood didn't know how to make films. When '3 idiots' became a hit, he claimed Aamir Khan didn't know how to read a book. What is a all-star video without a whining puss. Besides we need atleast someone to claim they wrote the lyrics.

Chinese guy from DoCoMo

Just ask yourself, would the DoCoMo ad be the same without his 'ooveyaaahooo... ho ho hoooo'? hes in, for being the most annoying guy in an ad in the shortest screen presence.

(the pic below is not of tht guy, its some random pic generated by a google search of ‘chinese guy’ )

Kishan Kumar

ever asked yourself ‘seriously, who made this guy a hero’. Well the secret lies in one simple fact. This guys got mojo. Papa the great is a must have in the video.


words are not needed. The Indian superhero is an automatic entry. Options include him coming alongside junior-g and captain vyom.

Ak hangal

how old is this guy anyways? This ageless dude whos looked the same for the last 40 yrs will add a mature touch to this vid…and probably the next version too.

Payal rohatgi

Some say she is the thinking man's Rakhi Sawant. Some remember her as 'Laila'. But we couldn't care less, this one is (ahem) an editorial team decision.

PS: We will neither deny nor confirm rumors of having seen all her films & having brought new phones to vote for her during Bigg Boss.

Savita Bhabhi

the Indian government is obviously jealous of savita bhabhi. The site took on the onus of doing sumthing the Indian government only talks and does nothing about: sex education. No wonder, the govt singled it out and banned it.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

'Tusshar in Wonderland' - A case study on Tusshar Kapoor

This one is for the people who love like seen movies of follow ……know who Tusshar Kapoor is.
For the uninitiated, Tusshar Kapoor is...err..........an actor. Believe me, i thought long and hard before putting the full stop on that statement. Let me just get this absolutely straight and point blank, i think Tusshar Kapoor should just give up on his career in Bollywood. It is going nowhere, in fact his career never even started so to speak. To begin with, lets try and analyze his filmography.

CKkompany (2008), One Two Three (2008), Aggar (2007), Dhol (2007), Shootout at Lokhandwala (2007), Good Boy, Bad Boy (2007), Kya Love Story Hai (2007), Anjaam (2007), Golmaal: Fun Unlimited (2006), Kyaa Kool Hai Hum (2005), Insan (2005), Shart: The Challenge (2004), Gayab (2004),Khakee (2004), Yeh Dil (2003), Kucch To Hai (2003), Jeena Sirf Merre Liye (2002), Kyaa Dil Ne Kahaa (2002), Mujhe Kucch Kehna Hai(2001)

How impressive is that? Each movie less amusing than the other. One must pay heed to the guys determination and never-say-die attitude. What could be the reason for that? One obvious answer would be his irritating sister - Ekta Kapoor. After all, she is the woman who made the worst thing on this planet, read Saas Bahu sagas, into a commercially viable product. She must have said to herself, if i can do that then i can definitely make a star out of my no good brother. She might be the reason behind his never ending motivation.

Seriously, how many fans does Tusshar Kapoor actually have. Where are they? Ive never met a single such human being in real life. Are they the descendents of people who were fans of Puru Rajkumar once? Which reminds me, Puru Rajkumar can actually be someone who Tusshar Kapoor can look upto. His career never really took off. He was just staining his fathers reputation. But thankfully, he realized it on time and gave up acting. Getting back to the point, is Tusshar Kapoor actually serious when he says in interviews that he is doing a variety of roles for his fans? Hasnt he ever realized all his movies are flopping? Has he never researched himself on the internet and seen trash written about him and his movies?

I have a theory regarding all these anamolies. It is what i call 'Tusshar in wonderland'. I beleive that Tusshar Kapoor is leading an artificial, fake life. A fake life created around him by his well wishers, and he himself has no clue about it. The guy baffled me to an extent, that i was inspired to come up with this theory when i was watching the movie 50 first dates. Tusshar lives in a similarly fake world. He has been led to believe that he is a superstar. Everything he sees is fake. Fake fans, fake newspapers, fake television channels, filtered internet. Newspapers and channels which heap praise on him everyday. Fake fans who can do anything just to get a glimpse of him. Websites which dont talk about him well do not reach his laptop. He is hypnotised everyday and told that he is one of India's biggest superstars. He has been brainwashed into believing that girls go weak in their knees after they see him. Of corse, some actresses have been hired to do that periodically in front of him. In a nutshell, there is a small workforce working round the clock ensuring that the truth does not reach him.

The producer of the movie, Golmaal was forced to cast him for the want of funds. The director must have thought, now that we got Tusshar Kapoor, what do we do with him? Idea, lets cast him as a dumb guy, in both ways, as a guy who cant speak and someone who is stupid, the audience will love him. And it worked. Golmaal, remains,till date, his best performance, relatively speaking. And in his own words, Tusshar Kapoor was merely experimenting with yet another challenging role.

Honestly speaking, who would have the guts to cast him as a dangerous, lethal terrorist in a movie like Shootout at Lokhandwala? Lethal Gunman....Tusshar Kapoor?? The sacrifices a director has to make to get funds from a Balaji movie. It must be a contractual obligation.

What has he not tried to establish himself as an actor? Heroic act in a slasher movie - check, Honest cop - check, Shirtless dance in song - check, Invisible hero - check, Negative role - check.

For example, have a look at the picture posted at the beginning of this post. Introducing Tusshar Kapoor as the dragqueen. Can he possibly stoop any lower for the want of attention in the name of experimentation? The pic might indicate that he is on his way in becoming a female vamp in one of Ekta Kapoors serials, his last avenue to gain appreciation.

So, when is his career going to end? The writing on the wall has been present for a long time now. But Tusshki, as the media calls him, refuses to give up. He is still in search of the elusive '2 star' rating for any movie of his. And till that doesnt happen, he will keep resurfacing like the slime on milk. Which probably means, we are stuck with him for the rest of our miserable lives.

God bless humanity.

Edit: For those who do not believe in Tusski, here is something copy pasted from mid day. Reader discretion is advised. The following might disturb you.

Monday, September 15, 2008

pointless chats - part 1

it was 630 pm in office and i was bored out of my skull. i went to the good old http://www.atworkandbored.com and did some random surfing around. i noticed this advertisement for rackspace on the side of the webpage. for the uninitated, rackspace is one of the worlds best webhosting centers. i saw this feature on the site called 'chat with our live assistant now'. i was so damn bored and in trance, i clicked on it and started chatting with this random fellow. the transcript is given below.

Welcome to Rackspace. My name is Steven N. and I am a Live assistant. How may I help you today?
you: hi
Steven N.: Hello, what brings you to our site today?
you: where are you guys headquartered?
Steven N.: San Antonio, Texas (USA)
you: can i get an idea of your client list?
Steven N.: American Express, Nike, Marvel, Atari.......
you: thats very good. ive got pretty good feedback of your fanatical support.
Steven N.: Glad to hear!
you: any case studies how you have influenced businesses in the way they function?
you: so tht i can make a case in point to the management
Steven N.: I don't have an example for you right now......sorry.
Steven N.: I am a sales guide here at Rackspace.....I don't have factual information like that in front of me.
you: thts perfectly fine, i will get in touch with my manager and we cane take it from there later
Steven N.: Sounds good!
you: thanks for your time!
Steven N.: You are welcome
Steven N.: Have a good night
Steven N.: Or day

next up for a floral delivery service.

Bruce: Hello, I am here to answer your questions about our floral service.
you: hi
Bruce: How may I assist you with our floral service?
you: i am interested in sending flowers to my family back home. is it possible to get a customised bouquet made
Bruce: We realize how important it is for you to customize the product. However, we currently do not customize any products.
you: will a few alterations be possible if i mention it in the special instructions?
Bruce: yes a few modifications will be done by our outlet
Bruce: no problems with it
Bruce: please mention your request in the special instruction box
you: for example, the basket of cheer (bouquet of the month) looks good, im jus interested to have a few more red roses and a chocolate with it, since she loves them.
you: so im hoping it wont be a problem
Bruce: for delivery to India right?
you: yes, to pune
Bruce: ok that should be done
Bruce: please go ahead and place your order.
you: is it possible to know which chocolates are given?
you: sorry for bothering you, but i want this to be perfect.
Bruce: we will not be able to give you the exact brand of Chocolates
Bruce: but they will be of the best quality.
you: i will take your word for it.
you: thanks for your time.

next up, i hunted down the live assistant of the company which makes this live chat software.

Roy: Hello, I'm here to answer your questions about the LivePerson services.
you: hi
Roy: Hi there
Roy: How can I assist you today ?
you: i am about a open a website for retail of second hand mobile phones
you: i feel its necessary for me to have a live chat feature
you: hence i was exploring the option of using live person
Roy: Ok our package is based on a month to month payment structure
Roy: To best understand your business needs I'd like to have a quick look at your website. Can I please ask for your URL?
you: i want to know if its possible to install a decent level of AI in the chat feature.
you: my website is not up yet. im still in the process of building it.
Roy: ok
you: what about the AI?
Roy: click here to watch our basic feature flash demo
Roy: What do you mean ?
you: thank you. i will go through it.
you: what are the indicative charges per month?
Roy: During peak hours about how many online agents (Customer Support Representatives) will you have responding to inquiries from your website?
you: 20-25 at the most.
Roy: ok
you: it will be called www.dontuseandthrow.com , a relatively small beginning it will be.
Roy: will you have all of them online at the same time ?
you: probably not
you: one person might double up as 3-5 aliases.
Roy: ok
Roy: The price for a LivePerson Pro account is $99/month per seat (concurrent operator).
Roy: Payment is on a monthly basis by credit card with no long term contracts to sign. There are no setups or cancellation fees and you are free to cancel your account at any time.
you: ok.thanks. you hav been very helpful.
Roy: I will be happy to have one of our Product Consultants contact you with additional information and pricing details.
Roy: May I please have your contact information; your full name, URL, office phone number and email address?

of corse i fled after tht.

and this is how i successfully passed 15 minutes of nothing. plz feel free to leave comments like 'ur so fuckin jobless'. i will not mind. for the corporately challenged, plz indulge in this pointless activity and let me know if u enjoyed it.
so this was my high point of the day, wat next? perhaps callin up random call centers or calling up the speaking clock and listenin to it.
or maybe as theITdonkey said, creating a karzzz helpline
Something on the lines of :

Prat : Hi I am a prat, how may I help you?
you : Hi, need to know the length of Himesh's hair.
Prat : Which ones ?

lets see, boundaries do not exist.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Mehbooba - the review

ever opened your fridge and found stale food in it n then told urself 'too old, cant eat this'. ever excavated thru ur hard disk n found these sissy songs u used to love once but r too embarrassed to listen to them now? thts precisely the feeling this movie generates the minute it starts. this movie is old and it clearly shows tht its out of place. how old is this movie? a quick scan thru sum of the mehbooba facts:

- the shooting of the movie started in the mid 90's or sumthing

- by the time the shooting got over, manisha koirala had forgotten the actual plot of the movie
- the lyricist of the movie as per the credits is 'late anand bakshi', poor guy died waiting for its release i guess
- one scene shows kadar khan in his younger days wen he cud actually jog for a scene
- manisha koirala is thin during the initial part
- sanjay dutt loses a majority of his hair midway thru the movie

i always had my doubts abt this movie which had crawled out of nowhere and was all set to sting the audience. but really, all u need is an IQ of 5 and a whole lot of patience to sit this one out.

the movie starts with 5 minutes of 'thank you' frames with mr director, afzal khan thanking one n all for helping him in his career(????). the director probably was overwhelmed with emotion wen he knew that his dream project(lol) was finaly goin to
reach the audience, hence the stretched acknowledgments. the next few hrs in the theater wud perfectly epitomise darwins theory of the survival of the fittest.

the movie starts with a weird scene which shows karan(ajay devgan) travelin across an open maidan in a horse drawn carriage. the camera angle is from a chopper in the sky. to give u an idea of how bad the production is, u can actualy hear the sound of the chopper in the background. so much for the attention to detail. immediately, we see the first of some 12452 songs in the movie featuring the love hunter karan, henceforth refered to as 'useless chap'. he is singing about his dream woman who looks exactly like manisha koirala and comes in his dreams (nightmares?) every night.the song is over, the movie crawls along. we never get an idea as to wat this useless chap does for a living. all we know is he lives in budapest and dreams about this woman. the character is such a lowlife that wenever his frds meet him , they ask
him 'tujhe apni mehbooba mili?'.
he finaly spots her at the airport but loses her. turns out that she is the niece of kader khan who is the lawyer of our useless chap. its pretty moronic of the director to show kader khan comin to useless chaps home and seein the paintings of his dream girl and wishin him luck to find her...all this wen the face in the paintings is of his niece payal(koirala).
useless chap finds koirala, henceforth refered to as 'fatwoman', and tries to woo her and eventualy finds out that she is the niece of his incompetent lawyer.useless chap coaxes incompetent lawyer to convince his niece to marry him.she refuses citing her hatred for men.flashback.

in comes sanjay dutt, rich industrialist, playboy, cardboard face. he owns the cliched 'S.D. Group of companies' and believes that aurat is a bazaar mein bikne wali cheez. to illustrate the minimal effort that has been put to get the dialogues on par with the world today, sanjay dutt, henceforth refered to as 'SD' talks on his cell phone on his yacht (which have the obligatory bikini clad blondes to highlight his
personality) and tells his assistant 'meine tumhe kitni baar bola hai mere satellite fone pe mujhe call mat kia karo'. oh well....whatever, this is 2008.

the attention to detail in the movie is pretty atrocious. in a particular scene, one can clearly see sanjay dutt having 2 completely different styles of sideburns on him wich looks pretty retarted. SD spots fatwoman, called varsha in the flashback, and wants to tak her to bed. he gives her a job and gifts her a car. fatwoman receives the car with a fit of terible acting suposedly emoting a happy person. she later comes to know that SD wants to tak her to bed on new yrs eve.
wat follows is a tuneless new yr party type number the lyrics of wich no one understood.after the song she openly slaps SD and tells the crowd of his bad intentions leaving a raging SD(yet looking cardboard). few days hence he apologises to fatwoman and asks her father for her hand in marriage. some rubbish scenes follow that no one is bothered about and they get engaged.
later that night fatwoman and SD cross all the boundaries of love. she is well and truly in love wit him. next mornin she wakes up and runs towards him to giv him a hug and in turn SD gives her a tight slap after wich the whole cinema hall bursted into laughter probably cos its in tht scene that fatwoman finally realizes shes a very dumb woman. SD it seems was jus takin revenge and throws her outa house after wich she leaves the city forever n goes to budapest.

back to current day and incompetent lawyer realizes the hardships fatwoman has gon thru but stil urges her to marry useless chap. fatwoman very hilariously then says that 'mujhe ek aur experiment nahi karna hai'.surely tht dialogue cud have been penned in a better manner.
rejection does not go down well with useless chap and he drags her in his horse cart (lol) to his house in the middle of nowhere and shows her all the paintings he has drawn of the thin version of fatwoman who then tells abt her past to useless chap. a couple of awsom dialogues like 'chalne ko tayar ho uss raste par jispe kisi aur ke gande paav ke nishaan hai'. an awsom way of conveying that she has been used n thrown once.
some more crap follows and he somehow convinces her of marriage. useless chap goes to rajasthan to his home and mr director's idea of grandiose is showing the udaivilas or sum 5 star hotel from the outside as his home.how tacky.he is greeted by his family by organising a 'jashn' which means tonnes of flowers, thousands of extras in the background, and music-dance by the customary moronic set of relatives. useless chap signifying his uselessness says to mother 'yeh sab ki kya zarurat thi'.
in comes sanjay dutt again, with half the hair mysteriously gone who turns out to be our hero's brother.they both then discuss their loser lives together in a bath tub. to put it mildly its a very disturbing scene seeing 2 overaged brothers discusing their lives in a place lik tht.if seeing a sissy shahrukh khan in a tub wasnt disturbing enuf, our two heroes raise the bar and mak shahrukh look macho. a few ppl walked out of the hall folowing this scene.this was officially a survival of the fittest scenario now.
remember a horribly overacting woman called himani shivpuri? she is fondly called choti by our loser brothers.things are getting even more ambiguous and the audience is clearly losing their bearings now. next up is the done to death scene whr mother explains useless chap their 'khaandaan ki parampara' that no paraya mard can see brides face till engagement. so the owner of the gande paav ke nishaan, SD, still doesnt know tht its indeed fat woman who is useless brothers bride.
after tht is an entertaining item number. the lyricist deserves an applause for this song. i wonder wat inspired him to come up with ingenuous shit like 'babuji bahut dukhta hai'. im sure he himself chukled after writing tht, but knew deep down that this is the most that the movie deserved.

after successfully wasting a few more scenes and losing a few more members of the audience, SD eventually sees the face of the bride in a terribly stretched enactment. he thinks she is takin her revenge by spoilin the already non existent life of our useless chap. in a hilariously useless scene, we see SD draggin fat woman to a desert hill in the middle of nowhere and slappin her. why there, all the people asked themselves.rather than cooking their brain even more, a few members in the audience chose to tak the easy way, out of the theater. this was jus like AXNs reality show SURVIVOR.

the actors at this stage were clearly given a briefing by the director that the hapless audience must be pulverised into submission. they do a mighty good job at it too. in a remarkably odd series of dialogues between useless chap and fatwoman wen chap comes to knows that his bro had used her once and the now payal was once varsha.
fatwoman: har payal ke andar ek varsha hoti hai
useless chap: nahi, karan hona chahiye
i jus ran this dialogue a couple of times in my mind and realized that it was one horibly horibly written dialogue.
then there is the typical love triangle shit in a burst of bad acting which brings us to the much awaited climax. reportedly, the shooting of the climax scene took 18 long months to shoot. the scene was jus lik the baby of the director who wanted it to be
'perfect'.but alas, the scene jus had the already numb audience rolling on the floor in splits of hysterical laughter. the scene is unfortunately too too pointless to even describe. the only thing imp enuf to know is SD is involved in a car accident with a train in the middle of a desert, while saving his bro and bride. but of corse, a hero in a briliant movie lik this can never die str8way even after being hit by a train. he has to say sumthin, give a message and then die, which he does. what the
message is, is irrelevant. the funny thing is that i thot i could see a hint of smile on SDs face wen he is dieing. clearly he was happy that the shooting is over after almost 10 yrs.

the director did well to mak his dream project a nightmare for all of us. the only guy who deserves some credit is koiralas dress designer who did well to hide her fat ass.
the audience comes out of the hall, all smiles knowin well that they hav passed the test of self torture. i personaly walked out of the theater and felt as if i was in there for sum 3-4 days.
the unique thing about this movie is that even if u walk in with absolutely no expectations at all, u are still disapointed after seeing it.
the acting standards are virtually nil. sanjay dutt it seems did the whole movie wearing a cardboard mask of himself. the music director shud hav ideally been called the 'noise director' for his tunes.
for those who r interested, mr director did have a fit of inspiration and realized that the movie must b marketed as per the new age ways and he has created these 2 awsom communities on facebook and orkut for the 'untapped youth market'. hats off to
sum sadist MBA workin with afzal khan for this.

all in all, an enjoyable viewing for 50 bucks in a single screen. i did not risk this in a multiplex (pat on the back to myself)

my verdict - *** (recommended, but for masochists only)

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Marriage research

here is a glimpse of my latest research:

there are 890 females for every 1000 males in urban india. leave out the prostitutes and spinsters which gets us to the conclusion that 25% of the males in urban india have absolutely no chance of marriage.
i think i fall in this elite 25%.
this figure of 25% will go up further after conducting more in depth research.

edit: thx to mike aka pari...i found out that approx 4.4 % of females between 15-44 are lesbians..hence its safe to make the figure 30%

so now, 30% of males in urban india stand no chance for marriage

edit2: another insight from debanshu...rich married men doubling up with unmarried girls...2-3% eliminated

so now, 33% of males in urban india stand no chance for marriage

edit 3: thx mike aka pari...eliminating 2% as HIV+ females

so now, 35% of males in urban india stand no chance for marriage

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The moments

my mood has changed over the last few days..nowadays ive been enjoying evy min of work, travel and my stay alone at home..dunno the reason for the transition but it feels gr8. simple things make me happy now. here is a list of a few such simple things in life wich can mak anyone happy.

1) tht feeling wen u r abt to leave work on a friday evening lookin fwd to a gr8 weekend!

2) finaly eating sumthin in particular for wich u hav been craving for a long time...wich reminds me...a few days back i felt desperate to eat a vada pav...hadnt had one for a long time...got off at my bus stop and decided tht today has to be the day...i walked an insane distance to a vada pav center i knew of and ate 3 jumbo vada pavs! the satisfaction was amazing! :D...altho ive easily had better vada pavs in my life...but stil the satisfaction of finaly eatin one....i cam bac home sweaty and tired cos of the long walk but it was totally worth it :)

3)waking up suddenly in the mornin ,lookin at the time and realizin tht u stil hav a couple of hrs b4 the alarm goes off :)

4)wen u r goin bac home after a long time and cant wait to reach ur hometown...ur trains approachin ur station and u see the station name on the start of the platform as the train slows down :)

5)wen u r sittin in a theater waitin for a movie to start...and the censor certificate comes up...u sit bac...relaxed hopin to see a good movie :)

6)wen u start ur brand new PC/laptop/gizmo for the first time :)

7)u finaly find a song u hav been desperately searchin for....and u hear it..and u love it so much tht u wil listen to it 4-5 times in a row

8)wen u stand under a hot water shower in the cold :)

9)scoring a goal in football...no matter wat level u r playin in...scorin a goal is one of the best feelings u can get

10)its a weekend, and u hav an exciting cricket/football match abt to start on tv and u r ready with ur drinks/snacks

11)a frd pops up online on ur messenger after a long time!

12) (particularly in mumbai) ur arrive at ur bus stop and ur bus comes in no time at all...n wats more..u even get a place to sit :D (effects doubled wen goin bac home on friday)

13)experimenting with sum recipe in kitchen...u make it and taste a small sample....and its perfect!!

14)goin thru old photos and recalling the fun times u had in the past

15)goin thru the attic and finding your old comics/books/school notebooks and u go thru all of them

16)the sight of ur dog with a wagging tail wen u com bac home

17) u r in the exam hall....ur papers gone good...and the bell rings indicating the end of the last paper of the exam :) :)

18)in the middle of a lecture the news spreads tht the next lecture stands cancelled :D

well....thts it for now...im sure ive missed quite a few things in my mind...but i wil add them later

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

A tutorial to make the most out of your trip to a 5 star hotel

yest on my way back home i saw this 5 star hotel ITC grand in lower parel...and i remembered this crap me and my frd KQ had made sumtime back...so here it goes

How do i get free shev,groundnuts etc?
Order any drink of your choice.as u all knw along with the drink u get on the house stuff lik shev and groundnuts and such other titbits
wen the waiter givs u the drink tell him to leave.pluck 2-3 hair from your scalp and drop them in your drink.empty the on the house stuff either in your pocket or in your stomach.after this is done ,call the waiter n complaint to him with agitation about hair flowing in your drink.he will ask u whether u want a replacement..refuse tht n tell him to tak the drink away
so in this manner u hav got free junk snacks
PS- keep dead insects in pocket for added effects and use instead of hair

What if i do want to have a drink.non alcoholic will also do :o
don worry this is also possible
as u all r aware,on each table u get stuff lik vinegar,onion,pickles and most importantly LEMON
keep these lemon aside
call the waiter and order tea n tell him to get sugar separately
wen it arrives ,proceed to squeeze all the lemon avaialble into your water glass.stir well.take the sugar which u just got along with the tea and mix it as per your requirements in the juice.if you want salt,then that is avaialble as it is on your table.stir well again.Your juice is ready
call the waiter n tell him tht your doctor just called you and instructed you to avoid tea.instruct your waiter to cancel your tea order and to take it away.make sure you apologise to the waiter for the inconvenience.
ANJOY your chilled lemon juice

make sure you carry home the forks n knives n spoons which were available on you table.often many hotels keep flower vases on the tables.make sure you tak the flowers home regardless of whether they are fake or real.
Decorate your own home with them

make sure u carry home the napkin wich is given to you along with your plate
usually its pure white in color and myt have a hotel logo on it ,but tht doesnt make a difference
u can use tht napkin as your hanky..........

AIM-to get free mineral water
APPARATUS-an empty bottle,cello tape

order a bottle of mineral water.wen the waiter gets it ,instruct waiter to leave.put bottle inside your jacket pocket or inside shirt (jus hide it anywhere!)
stealthily make your way to the toilet n wash basin area
remove a pen or sumthin lik tht n puncture a hole in the bottom of the bottle and collect the mineral water in your own empty bottle.after its done,fill the mineral water bottle with normal tap water.after its full remove cello tape from your pocket.cut a little piece of cellotape from the knife wich u already hav stolen from the table.cover the puncture well so tht no water leaks out.
hide the bottles and make your way back to the table.call the waiter.tell him that you are suddenly not feeling thirsty.instruct him to take the mineral water bottle away.thus you hav not tampered with the seal of the bottle n yet u can anjoy free mineral water

Lesson 2.0 : You wanna a Masala Papad (Rs.20)
for the cost of Roasted Papad (Rs.2)

No sweat !!! Herez how u go about it .....

Order a sada roast papad. As mentioned by prat earlier, u have pickles, chilli powder, salt, pepper, onion etc. on the table. also spoons, forks and a knife will be there.

Cut the onions into small pieces, spread on ur roasted papad, sprinkle nimbu juice, chilli powder, salt.

and there for Rs. 2 u have your masala papad, which wud have cost you Rs. 20 otherwise.

when u collect a number of those white napkins, u can stitch a vest
or swimming trunks for urself


Carry a small bottle which fits in ur pocket, and when u go to wash hands, fill it with the fragrant liquid soap and carry it home for future use.